When Firsts Become Lasts

I was the first-time mom who couldn’t WAIT for her baby to grow up. Be ONE already! Come on!! Crawl! Walk! BE FREE!!

Well, now that baby is 4. Yah. 4! I know, I know, lots of you mamas are older than I am, and you’re chuckling to yourself a bit right now. Just bear with me, k? 😉

We just finished our last first birthday. Conner turned ONE yesterday. Umm…how did that happen?

Isaiah the Pirate and Conner the Buccaneer.

I need to put the baby clothes away. I need to put the baby clothes away. What am I doing with a box full of newborn-sized onesies and sleepers? Come on, Kara, get it together. Just go in there and do it. DO IT.

I can’t.

I actually find myself trying to SQUEEEEZE Conner into clothes that clearly don’t fit him anymore in a strange and feeble attempt at keeping him small. I can’t stand it that he’s getting bigger. I sold the bassinet a couple of weeks ago and I had a meltdown.

I’m supposed to be popping out babies until I’m at LEAST 29…AND I’m supposed to have at least one girl in the mix!  Quite honestly, I’m waiting for the day that I’m miraculously healed of MS and I can have a couple more children. Until then, it’s in my best interest to not have any more.

I’m trying to say goodbye to having more babies. All those firsts….I miss them! It’s getting close to the time where my ‘little’ baby isn’t going to be little. He isn’t going to want to be rocked to sleep anymore. And it kinda hurts. On the other hand, I’m a little bit excited to be able to play with Lego as a family and not worry about the baby choking on a piece.

I’m learning. I’m learning to deal. I’m learning to enjoy every single moment in my kids’ lives, and I’m trying not to take anything for granted. I’m also human, and I’m trying not to think about the fact that I will not be having any more children. I physically am able to carry children. For real, people. I could get pregnant right now, and trust me, it’s crossed my mind to just ask my doctor to remove all the female-ness of me that allows me to have children and be done with it. I mean…right? Because then I actually could NOT have another child. If you’re laughing, that’s okay. I’m a bit awkward. It’s cool.

When did you decide to be ‘done’ having children? OR…was it something that had to be decided for you?

I delved a little deeper into this on my personal blog, feel free to check it out. (Confession: I had to use dictionary.com to make sure I used the word ‘delved’ correctly.)

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6 thoughts on “When Firsts Become Lasts

  1. I’m sorry I have no answers for you… I also ask – how do you know you’re done? I struggle with this too and often I feel like there is a clock ticking behind me on it as my youngest is almost 2.5yrs… I don’t have MS, really, they did a MRI and the Dr said I don’t (lol sorry at my feeble attempt at humor, I know it really isn’t funny as I have family that has MS) but I do have a minor health concern that has still to be diagnosed – so among other things, that does weigh on my decision if it would even be wise to have more.children. I have begun to feel ok with ‘this’ being my family, ‘we are done’ and then my husband who has never really had a strong opinion on when/how many kids we have comes home and tells me he’s having baby fever!!!! GAH!! when does a guy ever say that?!!? then he follows up with a, ‘oh don’t worry, the feeling will pass’ lol.. I dont’ know where I’m going with this but I have some friends that are certain and set that they are DONE… me not so much.. I don’t know how to say good bye to that part of my life, it really is like closing one door of life and openning a new one… I kinda just want to put my foot in the door and linger a bit longer, but at the same time things keep moving forward and I am enjoying the new things and stages (and more me time!) that at the same time I also feel guilty for wanting to close the ‘baby’ door.. like I said, no answers here and now I’ve probably given you more questions than answers.. haha..

    1. Hahaha! Your “feeble” attempt at humor actually made me laugh!

      I think this is obviously something that ALL mothers deal with! 🙂

  2. Honestly, this is the hardest thing to “decide”.We decided to have a larger family.Then we decided to have a small family after two children.Then GOD decided the rest for us.We honestly thought there would be no more several times.In the end we have 7 children and in the end I was brokenhearted to say no more babies.It was my husband who said” I am happy being a father to seven children”.If I got pregnant tomorrow I would not be sad. I have struggled with the journey ,cried ,been shocked ,angered but in the end I have surrendered to it. Let it have it’s own course.I stopped putting limits on it and found peace after the raging storms of being incredibly unsure. What I learned to say after the 5th pregnancy( that I was SURE I was never getting pregnant after the 4th) was that I never wanted to be SO sure and against something that I never allowed room for change. This little girl has changed me. God used her life to mould my thinking to experience greatness in my life. You will figure it out…we all do …no matter where the journey takes us.

    1. The more I talk about this to other moms, the more I realize that we’re all so much the same – sickness or not! And you’re absolutely right. GOD will decide what HE wants – not what WE want. 🙂 Amen to that!

  3. I am SO with you on this one, Kara. I too have had to make a choice based on health concerns and I think I’m (mostly) at peace with it. Better to realize the blessing the 3 beauties we already have are and to be able to enjoy them fully. If I had another I may not have that luxury. It took a lot of stressing and praying and feeling sorry for myself to come to this relative peace but I was thankful to be shown this perspective. Having said that, if we were to end up pregnant once more, we would both be elated (after the initial shock wore off, lol). For me I don’t think the yearning for that fresh baby smell will ever subside completely….I am really no help, am I?!

    1. Thank you – and you’re right, that’s a good perspective to have, and one that I’m starting to really understand. It’s so nice to know other moms who are going through the same thing – so you ARE helping! 🙂

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